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Topics - TheCultOfIanTunnacliffe

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511

Altrincham FC First Team / John Laidlar in rare error shocker!

« on: January 20, 2008, 02:38:43 PM »

The opening lines of Mister Laidlar's report on yesterday's first half at Moss Lane:

"Although it was dry at kick off, there had been drizzle for much of the morning and it was dull enough for the floodlights to be used from the start. York, playing 3-5-2, kicked off towards the Carole Nash End and started the better of the two sides."

No wonder Alty were 1-0 up at half-time then!

So, the man is human after all!

512

Altrincham FC First Team / Mixed emotions after today's game

« on: January 19, 2008, 05:52:55 PM »

If I'd have been offered the option of taking a draw before the game, I'd have accepted it.

We didn't create many chances today but, for a welcome change, we put them away.

At 2-0 up, things looked good for a possible three points but the substitution of King seemed to disrupt our shape (was he injured?).

Another defensive calamity gifts York a goal and then we fall back into that annoying habit of conceding another goal almost immediately.

From that point on, there was only one team likely to win the match....and it wasn't us!

In truth, York missed a couple of great chances in the last 20 minutes, so we could easily have ended up with nothing to show for our efforts, which would have been devastating after holding a two goal advantage.

A big improvement on the Boxing Day fiasco.
At times, especially going forward with pace, York City looked full of confidence and as good as any side I have seen at Moss Lane this season.

However, seeing Kidderminster's injury time winner against Farsley pop up on Sky Sports did rather raise the spirits!

513

Altrincham FC First Team / Dalton Steele

« on: January 09, 2008, 04:55:31 PM »

I was a bit surprised that last evening's match programme contained no mention whatsoever of Dalton Steele's recent resignation or even a thank you for all his efforts on behalf of Altrincham FC.

Mind you....he was still listed as the Assistant Manager!

514

Altrincham FC First Team / Alty v Kidderminster Updates

« on: January 08, 2008, 07:41:35 PM »

I'm quarantined here in the shadow of Moss Lane, still trying to overcome flu and a chest infection, all of which means that I am unable to attend tonight's match.

From our bedroom window, I can see two thirds of the Moss Lane pitch, so I will endeavour to follow the action....although, alas, the Golf Road End comprises the third of the pitch that is out of my vision!

I'll do my best to post occasional updates.

Weather conditions: dry but extremely windy.

515

Altrincham FC First Team / Tonight's Alty Line-up

« on: January 08, 2008, 07:29:36 PM »

According to the BBC....

Altrincham

01 Coburn
16 Shotton
05 Tinson
10 Young
24 Jennings
23 Toulson
07 Lawton
25 King
11 Peyton
14 Cahill
19 Senior

Substitutes
09 Little, 12 O'Neill, 06 Sedgemore, 22 Logan, 03 Scott

Chris Lane injured?

516

Altrincham FC First Team / Message for Brian Flynn

« on: January 05, 2008, 09:37:07 PM »

Mister Flynn,

Very disappointed by your failure to get a mention by the radio commentators at Oxford United this season.

Did you behave yourself in the press box this time then?!

No excuse to run down the steps of the main stand, I presume?

517

Altrincham FC First Team / Altrincham FC Christmas Pantomime 2007

« on: December 31, 2007, 12:23:16 PM »

This was written for last Saturday's programme (and compiled before Dalton's unexpected departure).

I hope it raises a smile or two during what has been a rather depressing week for the Alty faithful.

No doubt George Heslop's lawyer is already preparing his writ (again)....

ALTRINCHAM FC CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME 2007

Following on from last year’s critically acclaimed production of Jack and the Beanstalk (which starred the legendary Ian Tunnacliffe as the Giant and Peter Thomson as the Beanstalk), I am delighted to reveal that this year’s Altrincham FC Christmas pantomime will be CINDERELLA.

Allow me to unveil an exclusive preview of the cast list:

Cinderella: Graham Heathcote

Buttons: Dalton Steele

Baron Hardup: Geoff Goodwin

The Wicked Stepmother: Colin Peake

First Ugly Sister: George Heslop

Second Ugly Sister: Phil Taylor

The Fairy Godmother: Carole Nash

Prince Charming: Lee Ashcroft of Kendal Town

Dandini: Grahame Rowley

Eucharistic Minister: Brian Flynn

Mice: Chris Senior, Steve Aspinall and Foz

Glass Coach Supplier: Go Goodwin’s

Glass Coach Transport Co-ordinator: Ecky

Footmen on Glass Coach: Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne

Glass Slippers Supplier: Jacqui Forster

Giant Pumpkin: Tony Kelly

Heckler at Ball: Dennis Birch

Cabaret Act at Ball: Marcus Hallows

Raffle ticket seller at Ball: Barry Pond

Raffle winner at Ball: Brian Flynn

Unauthorised Foreign Dignitary at Ball: James Robinson

Gatecrasher at Ball: Angus Loughran/Statto

Non-speaking Extra at Ball: Justin Bowler

Narrator: Rafo

Radio Reporter: Brian Flynn

Scriptwriter: John Laidlar

Set Designer/Builder: Warren Peyton

Costume Designer: Ian Senior

Costume Maintenance: Jenny Heslop

George Heslop’s stunt double: Brad Pitt

Phil Taylor’s stunt double: Angelina Jolie.

(Setanta Sports were due to broadcast a ‘live’ performance of this theatrical show but, apparently, they have now opted to cover Oxford United’s pantomime instead).

Right, I’m now heading off to secure the urgent services of a barrister who specialises in defending libel suits…..

Happy New Year to all those who love Altrincham FC.

518

Altrincham FC First Team / Two short term solutions?

« on: December 27, 2007, 05:32:32 PM »

(1) A severe Siberian 'cold snap' descends on the country for the next four weeks and results in frozen pitches and the postponement of all our scheduled fixtures, thereby allowing us breathing space to assemble a radically different team prior to playing our next match;

(2) Hughesy and Ecky go into the home dressing room and give a 'motivational' team talk to the players before the Stevenage game commences.

519

Altrincham FC First Team / Has Dalton Steele resigned?

« on: December 26, 2007, 07:08:32 PM »

That was the rumour in the bar after the game.

The man has some honour.

That was the worst Alty performance I have witnessed in years.

520

Altrincham FC First Team / Eleven men back 'defending' in our own penalty area

« on: December 23, 2007, 12:39:17 AM »

This regular sight seems to irritate the peerless John Laidlar.

He has raised this topic before (and even captured the phenomenon on camera at Forest Green Rovers earlier this season) and mentions it twice in his match report from Nuneaton:

(1) "But then Chris Senior forced a good, low save from Acton following good work by Logan (14 mins). Stepien now won Borough a corner for which Alty brought everyone back into their box."

(2) "Brown's shot clipped the cross-bar but the referee felt Coburn had turned it over the bar and gave a corner, which Alty again defended with all 11 men in their own box."

Why do we persist with this bewildering tactic?

521

Altrincham FC First Team / 21 games played: 2005/06 compared to 2007/08 (this may surprise you!)

« on: December 08, 2007, 03:09:49 PM »

After reading the following article in the Sale & Altrincham Messenger, I thought I'd compare the first 21 Conference games of the 2005/06 season with our current league record:

NOT DEFENSIVE
"Graham Heathcote says he will not go defensive against Torquay on Sunday; they have scored 52 goals in 20 games this season whilst Alty have conceded the third highest total of goals in the league, 41. Graham said, "They are a strong side and are full of ambition. They want to get back on the Football League, so it's going to be very tough... We're going to have to go there and score if we're going to get anything from the game. People have acussed us of being negative at time this season but I've never been negative in my tactics. Sometimes we have to sit back if a good team forces us back but I would never send a team out just to defend. We have to set our stall out to combat the better teams in this league but we can't be naive like we were in the first season back in the Conference when we were on the end of some big defeats".

2007/08

Played: 21
Won: 3
Drawn: 6
Lost: 12
For: 24
Against: 41
Points: 15
League position: 21st out of 24.

2005/06:

Played: 21
Won: 5
Drawn: 6
Lost: 10
For: 14
Against: 34
Points: 21
Position: 17th out of 22.

So, despite a couple of 5-0 defeats in 2005/06, our defensive record was actually better then than it is at present, as we had conceded seven fewer goals.

Perhaps we need to become "naive" again!

It's strange that in 2005/06 we had scored 10 fewer goals.....but had accumulated six more points.

A comparison of clean sheets achieved reveals the following:

2007/08: 2

2005/06: 5.

522

Altrincham FC First Team / The new consortium unveil the new Northwich Victoria away kit....

« on: December 02, 2007, 11:58:44 PM »

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Funny-Emu-Fancy-Dress-Mascot-Bernie-Clifton-Costume_W0QQitemZ330149392718QQihZ014QQcategoryZ86207QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItem

523

Altrincham FC First Team / I don't think that I've ever heard Moss Lane go as quiet during a game.....

« on: December 02, 2007, 04:40:26 PM »

....as it did in those moments after Carlos Logan's suicidal backpass had gifted Histon their winning goal yesterday afternoon.

Horrendous.

An object lesson in how to throw away a game that we should have gone on to win once we equalised.

However, Logan should not shoulder all the blame.
Colin Little has missed three great chances to score and where were our central defenders for their first goal (which, admittedly, arose from a blatant offside that wasn't given)?
Akurang even had time to stumble in the box, get to his feet and then nod in a free header.

I've a horrible feeling that result will come back to haunt us next April.

Histon, a part-time team in their first year at this level, are now 20 points ahead of us.
How can that be?

Eight home defeats in 11 games at Moss Lane is shameful and clearly relegation form.

Roll on January, when Mister Heathcote will have to work some urgent magic in the recruitment of some new players.
I hope that the Board will back him.

524

Altrincham FC First Team / Was this the gazelle on an undercover mission?

« on: November 29, 2007, 12:04:55 AM »

From John Laidlar's website...

COOKING THE BOOKS AT NORTHWICH

IC Cheshire reports that "Cash-strapped Northwich Vics were left reeling after their head chef scarpered with £8,000 in takings from a fundraising dinner. Paul Johnstone vanished on Saturday night after one of the club’s biggest fundraising events of the year. The theft was discovered the following morning. Chairman Mike Connett is offering a £1,000 reward for information leading to the crooked cook’s prosecution. Mr Connett said:'It’s a substantial amount, but it’s not about the money – I don’t like a thief. A lot of people have trusted him and this is for them'. Police believe Johnstone, who also goes by the name Paul Kempthorn, lied about his identity from the day he was taken on in March. After the investigation was launched officers discovered Johnstone had never lived at the address he had given when he took the job. He claimed to be 27, but also gave a date of birth in 1973. Det Sgt Simon Newell, of Northwich Specialist Investigation Unit, said: 'We think he’s given false details from the outset. He’s gained the trust of the staff there and he had the keys to the safe. We are satisfied an offence has taken place and that this person is responsible. But we need to identify who he is'". Police are reportedly searching for a man wearing a tall white hat and an apron.

525

Altrincham FC First Team / Alty 'Jailbirds XI', anyone?

« on: November 25, 2007, 03:53:50 PM »

In the aftermath of the news of Gary Hooley's conviction for arson, the obvious reaction is to compile a team of Alty FC players who have criminal records (and that doesn't mean that they own the latest album by James Blunt...).

A few starters then...

Gary Hooley

Mark Ward

Paul Edwards

Chris Young

David Anane

Andy Gorton (?)

Any other suggestions?