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A football league club dance was in full swing, with the club secretary taking tickets on the door, when a stranger arrived and demanded entry.
"Tickets please Sir?"
"I haven't got tickets!" said the man. "I'm a friend of the Referee!".
"Get out of here," said the club secretary, "Whoever heard of a Referee who had a friend?"
REF! What kind of a call was that??
"That was my call! Are you feeling OK? You are looking rather yellowish at the moment?" A touch of jaundice perhaps? Yellow Fever? I sure hope no red spots start appearing!
PLAYER - Ref! for crying out loud he is all over me! Ref he pushed me! Ref he kicked me!
REFEREE - Hey player are you coming over for Christmas dinner?
PLAYER - Huh??
REFEREE - I asked are you coming over for Christmas dinner?
PLAYER - What the?
REFEREE - I just figured you complain so much you must be related to my mother in law and since the relatives all come over for Christmas I should perhaps send you a card?
PLAYER - Card?
REFEREE - Yes do you prefer the yellow variety or the red, very festive the red don't you think? Although many prefer the yellow?
Two Referees were sitting on bar stools having a drink or two after the game. The older Referee starts to insult the younger one. He screams "I slept with your mother!"
The bar room goes quiet and everyone looks towards the two Referees,….waiting with baited breath to see how the young Assistant will react.
The older Referee screams again. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The younger Referee says:
"Go home Dad, you’re drunk".
In the middle of the game, the Referee suddenly blows his whistle to stop the game when he sees a long funeral procession on the road that runs alongside the field of play. He closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer.
"Wow", said a nearby player. "That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You truly are a kind man Ref. I’ll never think bad of a Referee again."
The Referee replies. "Yeah, we were married nearly 25 years".
As a Referee once, a few years ago, I remember having an Assistant Referee who had a terrible performance running the line during a Cup game.
He was so depressed, that the other Assistant and I could do nothing to pacify him.
At the end of the game, while we were getting changed, he pulled this hand gun from his kit bag and pointed it to his head.
We begged him not to do anything stupid but he would not listen.
"Shut up will you" he screamed at us in a terrible voice, "You're both next."
A Referee walks into the bar after a game and orders a bottle of beer and hands the barman a twenty dollar bill. The barman decides to rip the Referee off, so he hands him back a five in change.
The Referee accepts the $5 change, takes his bottle and goes and sits down.
After a while the barman wanders over and starts talking to the Referee and says "You know, we don't get many Referees coming in here after the match".
The Referee says "I'm not f%*^!*% surprised at $15 a bottle"
A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he was Refereeing a game and with just a few minutes to go, and with one team 1-0 up, he gave a penalty. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'. St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'. The Referee looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.
The Referee had accidentally collided with a player, fallen and injured his knee.
On his way back from the doctor's surgery after the match, he met one of the players from the game.
"You all right ref? You don't look so good. Bad news from the doc?"
"Yes it is. He says I can't Referee."
"Oh. Seen you in action has he . . .?"
The shrill blast of the whistle and the pointing finger of the referee stopped the player in his tracks.
The Referee beckoned him over and produced notebook, pencil and yellow card.
'It's a yellow card for you,' said the referee, waving the card at the player.
'You know what you can do with your yellow card!' shouted the player.
'You're too late,' replied the referee. 'There's three red cards up there already!'
The Referee is waiting patiently for his bus after the game, and is happily eating his supper from out of the bag. An old lady's dog nearby gets excited by the smell of the food and starts jumping up and down and barking with pleading eyes towards the Referee.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit", says the Ref.
"Not at all" replies the old lady with a thankful smile.So he picks up the dog and throws it over the wall.
Quotes From Sports Commentators"
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my G~d! What have I just said?"
A young Referee had just started his own company to provide Referee equipment. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with the most expensive office equipment that money could buy. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the Referee picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big order for Referee equipment to process. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone.
An Assistant Referee turns up for a game with both his ears bandaged up. "What happened to your ears?" asks the Referee. The Assistant Referee replies: "Yesterday I was ironing my Referee’s top when the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."
"That explains one ear, but what happened to the other one?" continues the Referee.
"Well, I had to call the doctor!" says the Assistant Referee.
A young Referee was leaving the DRA’s office late one evening when he found the ARA standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the ARA, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young Referee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the ARA as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
The Plane Crash
A Boeing jet, carrying a contingent of Referees returning from an overseas Football tournament, flying at 35,000 feet over the Atlantic, runs into a terrible storm. Thunder, lightning, and high winds toss the big plane around the sky.
The passengers are scared. One woman Referee in particular is about to lose it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane shouting,
"I'm too young to die." Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable.
In my entire life, no one has ever made me really feel like a woman.
Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN???!!!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a male Referee stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well-built, with jet-black hair and the bluest eyes, he slowly starts to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his Referee shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his Referee shirt, muscles ripple across his chest, and he extends the shirt to the trembling woman.
"Here," he whispers. "Iron this."
A Referee buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the Referee calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!
After dying in a car crash, three Referees go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first Assistant Referee immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great Assistant Referees of my time, and a great family man."
The second Assistant Referee says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and teacher of the Laws of the game who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy (the Referee) thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
After a grueling game, a gorgeous blonde Referee walks into the physiotherapist's office. She gets in the room with the physiotherapist's and says, "Hey! I hurt all over." The physiotherapist's is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The gorgeous blonde Referee says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the physiotherapist's sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The physiotherapist's says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
An up-and-coming Referee was asked to attend an interview to see if he was suitable for promotion. Reaching the end of the interview, the Chairman of the Interview panel asked the young Referee, "And what fees were you looking for?" The young Referee said, "In the neighborhood of $1,000 dollars a game, depending on the benefits package." The Chairman said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks fully paid vacation on a Pacific Island, full time body guard, full medical and dental help, matching retirement fund to 50% of your current job salary, free entry into any ground, and a car leased every 2 years - say, a red Ferrari?" The young Referee sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the Chairman replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A good looking Lady Referee and a Male Referee returning from their respective games have a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Lady Referee says, "So you're a Referee, that’s interesting - I'm a Lady Referee.... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends forever, officiate games together, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The Male Referee replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Lady Referee continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Malt Whiskey didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this to celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the Male Referee. He nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back .
The Lady Referee takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Male Referee. He immediately asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Lady Referee replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to arrive..."
A Referee had a near death experience the other day when he went cycling, in an effort to get fit. Everything was going fine until the cycle started running away down hill and bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. With his foot caught in a pedal, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as he and the bicycle did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Sports Centre manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.
A Referee was asked to officiate a game in Spain. When he arrived, he stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a scrumptious looking dish pass by. It looked and smelled wonderful! He inquired to the waiter what it was.
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A local exquisite delicacy!"
The Referee, though momentarily daunted when he learned of the origin of the dish, thought: "What the hell, I'm in Spain, do as the Spanish do," and then requested an order. The waiter regretfully informed the Referee, that there was only one order per day as there was only one bullfight each morning. The waiter related further, that if the Referee returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to have an opportunity to try the rare dish.
The next morning after the game, the Referee returned, and much to his delight, was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones on the plate the previous day. At this, the waiter shrugged and replied, " Si, Senior. Sometimes the Bull wins."
The other day, I heard a shout go up. "There's no way we can win against 12 today lads".
I called the 'shouter' over, and cautioned him.
He said. "What's that for Ref?"
I replied - "For not being able to count properly!"
Last time I had an injury, I limped over to the touchline for some treatment and a player walks by, looks at my leg, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Got a limp Ref?".
I couldn't resist it and I said, "Nope. I started off the game running around with both legs limping, but the other one sort of got better
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Research :-D
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